take a walk with me on the 'wild and personal side'
Adam at thirty-one years of age.
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ENTRY NUMBER ONE: a new year, and certainly one giant step closer to Huxley's "a brave new world" and Orwell's "1984", not to mention "Minority Report" and "Blade Runner" ...
Being an extreme science fiction book author now - funny to call myself that actually - I spend a lot of time researching little known technological and scientific and psychological experiments, research and advances ... and figuring out how to weave together these with current events, history, and human nature in order to spin an incredible - yet believable tale. It has taken three different authors from three different countries to pen "The tunnel at the end of time". I could not have done it alone as there are so many different areas of expertise and literary discipline that must be mastered and learned. The real trick was to get the different voices to sound like one author, or at least to be able to confuse even the best authors as to who has written what parts. This we have been quite successful with, I am proud and pleased to say.
I have cooperated with other authors and artists many times over the years. It has basically gone well on the whole, but not ever completely without some snags ... This has many reasons, not the least of which is that a work of art (a book, an exhibition etc.) takes on a life of its own after a while - and becomes a living organism that is self-creating. It peaks and ebbs and flows just as real time life does, and affects its actors, storytellers and illustrators accordingly. Other important things to consider when cooperating with others are: 1) assigning one person the lead in critical phases; 2) keeping the momentum going so the project does not fizzle out; and 3) evading the "self-defeat trap". What is that? Well, the "self-defeat trap" is more worrisome than "writer's block", which can simply be solved by professional discipline or often by doing something else (another art form or a sport activity) while you get the juices flowing again. Many humanoids have an inner resistance and fear in regards to succeeding in something new, and/or to ending a personally-rewarding process and releasing our "art child" into the public domain. This can manifest itself in many ways: refusing to acknowledge when an painting or a book is "finished" and thus ruining it by over-working it, dragging one's feet so that a project never actually finally gets done, finishing a book (or several) but never getting the courage to send out the manuscripts and get the book published, or get the art shown at a gallery or museum, etc. It is basically "petering out" just before the finish line. Granted, there is a lot of prestige and courage involved in being an author and/or a visual artist. Many are ready and waiting to judge you. Many will say that they could have done it better. Many will pretend to ignore you and not know who you are or what you are producing or of your successes. Many will drop names around you to whittle your ego down to size. Authors and artists back stab each other just as quickly and as often as other groups in society, but perhaps even more viciously as the written word and the illustrated image are powerful and personal tools and weapons that wound on many levels.
In spite of all the dangers of failure and success, art is ultimately about having the courage and persistence to follow through from idea to finished product ... and to stand by what you did as the way it was to be, there and then. Perhaps it might have come out differently at another point in time or under other circumstances, but right here and right now THIS IS WHAT WAS CREATED - AND IT IS ALIVE!
Some might say that this marks the difference between an amateur and a professional. Of that I am not so certain. I would venture that more "amateurish" and "conventional/safe/mainstream" artists make money than "art educated professionals" that take constant chances with new forms of abstraction do. However, I rather think that one's own personal relationship to one's art form of expression is highly significant in this regard. For example, had I not been living with a chronic illness with an eventual fatal diagnosis, then I might have used 10 years to write "the novel of the century" -- and probably never gotten it published anyway. I use my literature and art as a self-confirmation. It has been said: "I do, therefore I am." and it has been said: "I think, therefore I exist." Well, I create in order to re-confirm (and yes, perhaps even to justify) the fact that I exist. In other words, to create works of literature and art is for me the same basic need as to eat, to drink, to breathe, to sleep, to fuck, to crap ... well you get the picture. I cannot live without it, and therefore there is a constant drive to move on from one project to the next ... thus also dampening the feeling of emptiness that comes the day after a book has been launched or an exhibition has been taken down, because there is always a "new vision" on the horizon and a new project in the works.
So, no ... neither I nor those I choose to cooperate with suffer from this fear of success. Unfortunately, I do know many talented persons that never get off the ground artistically because they hold themselves back, or let others' perceptions of their abilities or art hold them back.
Several years ago an older female artist told me the following about one of my paintings (which, incidentally became a rather successful series): "It is nice, but I could have done it myself!" My response was to smile and counter: "Perhaps you could have ... but you did not. I did it. I had the idea, and I created the work of art. That is what art is all about."
I have written elsewhere about there never being a "perfect" or error-free book that is engaging and spontaneous. It is inherent to any work of art or literature that there is the potential of making it bigger, different, better, more this or that. I still adhere to that. Overworking a book or a work of visual art is "murder". Concentrate instead upon creating an arena in your art where readers and viewers can experience co-creation of their own perceptual (cognitive and emotionally-responsed) works of art in reaction to and communication with your original "statement". I love it when viewers point out to me hidden faces and symbols and images in my paintings that I was not conscious of when creating them, or readers that tell me of associations they have made to my writing that I failed to perceive when writing a work of literature. That tells me that the works are malleable and organic and alive.
ENTRY NUMBER TWO: enough squabbling about God and religion folks!
When "religions" defile humanity and spirituality, they should be forsaken for "the kingdom within". This includes - of course - the religion of greed and power. All beliefs and thoughts that do no support the divinity, equal value and self-empowerment in all entities represent separation of consciousness and thus lead to chaos, and eventual self-destruction for humanity as a whole. Even if you do not believe in a God without, use your divine power of creation/creativity to make a better reality/world through your thoughts, words and actions. In that way we can all work together to create a better and more humane world and collective consciousness. It is not necessary to ask "Do I / you believe in God?" ... but rather "How can I better use my divine power of creation/creativity to make a better world for all in the family of humankind?"
ENTRY NUMBER THREE: difficult but important questions.
I often get asked many difficult questions by persons about the nature of art and literature, e.g. "why do you write?", "doesn't a person need to have many years of maturity in order to write poetry?", "where do your ideas come from?" etc. These are all very good questions, and very difficult to answer simply. I will attempt here - not necessarily to give a complete answer to these questions - but to provide some insights as regards my own art, my own artistic impulses and my own philosophy of "art and literature":
Looking back, some of my best technical training for making both literature and visual art was studying classical music. This because it enabled me to see artistic thoughts in a larger framework as well as the internal workings of the clockwork, the importance of silence as well as sound, of degrees of eloquence as well as degrees of loudness and softness, of tempo, of inviting the audience to join in the music-making and the dance through the "mental pictures and associations" created and communicated, as well as the simple fact that all art and literature are based upon mathematics and geometry: rhythm, tempo, on the beat or off the beat, lines, dots, circles, triangles, squares, repetitions, formulas etc.
These basic building blocks are everywhere in our lives, our thoughts, our communications, and our surroundings, and it should then be no surprise that they are also there in art and literature. One need not be a rocket scientist in order to be an author or an artist, but rather to be a normal "participant" in life at the same time as one is an "observer" artistically.
The incentives to create literature and art are many and varied. They can give pure emotional and sensory pleasure, they can afford one the possibility of communicating with one's surroundings - all from small audiences to the entire world (with today's internet), they offer us the opportunity to play with thoughts and ideas and ways of expression and communication both within and outside of already established forms, styles and genres ... and for those of us that are truly adventurous we can even create our own new "genres" and unique schools of style. For many of us that make a "career" out of art and/or literature, our creations are our "offspring" that are sent out into the world to "work" in the thoughts, minds and cultures across the globe and also long after our relatively short lifetimes here on this planet. In this way, one ultimate goal for a career author or artist can be the making of a "legacy" that continues on long after we are dead and buried. This is - of course - an example of achieving eternity, and surpassing mortality.
There are also many other more immediate pleasures and benefits to having a career as an artist or author, in that one meets many interesting persons that are engaging in the same activities and pursuits in various ways. Creating literature and art is largely reflection. Actual execution - the part that requires technical expertise - is the final stage of a longer process. Most works of art are mostly "finished" in the mind before they are put down on paper or canvas. Even the "accidents" or "unintentional bursts of expression outside of the box" have their sources in the reflection and the research done beforehand. And yes, I do very much research - even in individual poems: research and learning in many areas eg. philosophy, religion and mysticism, social and political questions, psychology, and even learning foreign languages.
Research? Yes, there is much research going on all the time in art and literature. All from personal examination of ourselves and our surroundings to studying previous and other contemporary forms of expression. Why bother with such if one is to be original in one's art? Well, not all artists strive for originality. Many wonderful works of art have been based upon the styles of, or are variations on themes by other artists, composers, authors etc. This does not make one any less creative or artistic. Igor Stravinsky is an excellent case in point. I always advise young (and older) authors and artists to acquaint themselves with what has been done before, and then to go inside themselves and find out what their own voices have as characteristics. This because it is difficult to know where or why one is going in a certain direction if one does not have any idea of where art and literature has been already. This because, whether we acknowledge it or not, all of our perceptions, ideas, creativity have at their source impulses from things we have learned, seen, heard and experienced previously.
Now, over the years there have been many distinct "schools and rules" for music, dance, literature, visual art and film etc. Learn the rules and schools and then go beyond them. Some critics advise writers to find an author they admire and mimic that style. I have been advised the same myself. I think that mimicking a great author or artist well is not only extremely difficult but perhaps another form of artistic expression than creating your own style and signature. That being said, I have never desired to be put into a "box" where my style of art or style of writing is easily identifiable and categorizable. I reserve the right for my art and literature to change all the time, as I do and as my perceptions of the world and my own technical skills change. Of course, along the way, there are many technical skills that we learn that we keep and develop further throughout our careers and others that we discard. Every work of art or literature that I produce is a preparation for the next one; and therefore my favorite is always the most current or the last one I have created.
Creating art and literature makes me feel "alive". In order to create "art" and "literature" I do believe that one is obliged to engage oneself as both a participant and an observer. My last art exhibition, which was about living with hiv/aids and mental illness, required many months of living through the actual feelings, pains, disabilities, depression, suicidal thoughts, glorious moments, drunkenness, being high on pills and painkillers etc. Had I not "been there" in the process I would have not achieved the same raw and spontaneous effect which made the art successfully communicated to the viewers in a universal way. That is to say in a way that 1) opened viewers to interact with both the art and myself in thoughts and communication, and 2) that encouraged "creative living" within the viewers. This invitation to "creativity" amongst my art viewers/buyers and my readers/buyers is a major goal and one of the big answers to the question of why I write and paint. Another is that of a sense of creating a personal legacy that makes my existence in this Nothingness potentially something quite other. And thirdly, that as long as I am writing and painting and taking art photographs I know that I am "alive" and that my senses are being tested and employed to the degrees possible. I am left with an underlying "raison d'être", if you will.
I was recently asked by a teenager whether I agreed that a certain maturity was necessary in order to write poetry. My response was: "Well, Arthur Rimbaud - one of modern times' greatest poets - did his best writing during his teens." Rimbaud also had a rich life, was a great thinker, and had much passion. One does not always have to write about "world important topics" ... Walt Whitman wrote about a simple leaf of grass, but that leaf of grass symbolized and encompassed pretty much all of the universe and a profound philosophical sense.
I would rather say that - no matter how complicated a technique or a message or theme may be - the expression should ideally convey effortlessness and evenness in technical effort, no matter how much a particular section has busted your balls. It is most difficult to show simplicity and effortlessness in art and literature and music, but it is that which touches the souls of others the most I do believe.
Just a few thoughts. More later.
ENTRY NUMBER FOUR: decisionmaking in literature ...
Creating art and literature requires constant decisionmaking and adjustments, as the creation begins to take on a life of its own and to "define itself" to you.
I am often asked why I am "against rhyming poetry". I am not - per se - against good rhyming poetry, but then I feel that I must qualify what I mean by "good". I believe that it is the poetry voice itself that must define the form ... feminine rhyme, masculine rhyme, variations upon rhyming styles, no rhyme, external meter, that which I term as "internal meter" (where there is created an internal "beat" that is not necessarily heard when reading quickly through the poetry but which is very much there as determined by the words used and which words and phrases start and end each line), broken line format vs. paragraph prose format, first, third or even second person voice, the level of language used ($5 words vs. $5000 words) are important as they set both the tone, the voice and the measure of difficulty in the creation, which languages to use and when (English only vs. one main primary language with other languages used to create a sense of a multicultural and multilingual environment or world culture, and sometimes to mimic everyday life where "the juiciest things" are said in languages and dialects personal and common to a few, or where perhaps the French or Spanish word of phrase has a better comprehensive or exact meaning than its English counterpart), etc. Major poets from before the 21st century had a more solid footing in the art of rhyme. Rhyming is much, much more than finding words that sound alike musically and counting syllables. Haiku-writing is much more than counting syllables (and strict syllable counting becomes ludicrous when writing haiku in some languages for various reasons having to do with linguistics and culture). Furthermore, each word and set of words is a vibrating entity -- full of life and suggestion; especially in poetry and shorter literary forms -- nothing is to waste without that being intentional on the part of the author (yes, sometimes we wish to shorten or lengthen texts in order to affect the reader or to give the voice in the text a certain identity ... this also goes for using difficult words that most people have to constantly consult the thesaurus or dictionary to understand: superior-sounding words can effectively be used to persent a voice of authority, of seniority, of the Gods etc.). Rhyming poetry that does not take aptly into consideration the effects of reading and hearing the music in the poetry created can unwittingly annoy the reader or force a humorous voice with a sing-song, predictable progression in each and every stanza ... also making the meaning of the words disappear as an entire concept within the poem itself.
When do I decide which languages to use, and how? Much is dictated by the nature and theme of the text, but also by the culture ... or better said, "my own perception or minimal knowledge of a culture". In my book "Le Paradis", which is written in English, French and Tahitien dialect, I attempted to play at using extremely simple and almost bored/wary/mechanical Tahitien spoken in closeness with non-natives or in estranged situations; the domineering French was meant to bear a somewhat distanced form in conversational narratives, and in the French adaptations of the English poetry in the book the language is full-powered and descriptive, yet often with a voice that "second class" citizens might use ... the voice of suggested impatience and internal uproar. In the same work, I alternate between poems and stories to help create a sense of timelessness and the pacific. All of these decisions ... and others not mentioned here ... are consciously and subconsciously at work when making literary and artistic creations. The more mature you are as an artist and person the more skilled you become at "conducting this incredible symphony". I consider myself to be a novice still ... I barely master English as a language, and when my aspirations to write in other languages are extremely high on the literary scale I do not hesitate to ask for help from other authors that have that particular language as their native tongue -- and to learn by taking language courses or self-learning on the internet. (A note of caution: beware of the internet -- it includes much and is of varied quality, like every other source.)
Other decisions involve tempo, setting, the amount of detail, the speed at which the reader is rushed through a portion of text or left languishing with descriptive detail for tens of pages at a time, the degree to which the reader is "indoctrinated" à la Voltaire's Candide and my "2014: the life and adventures of an incarnated angel" by way of establishing some things as fact ("that is just the way it is ...") and then spinning off on some wild adventure, dragging the unwitting reader along for the ride until he/she finally starts creating the story himself/herself. The amount of detail from research that is included and deciding where and when to stop with the "factual" or based upon "literary research" and let the fiction take control is another important decisionmaking area ... especially in larger works, such as in The tunnel at the end of time and in many of my epic poetry works such as Daedalus: an ancient epic for modern man", "The Magickal Tarot through Verse", and when I am feeling particularly "inspired" or "wicked" even in shorter poetic works.
Much has been written about the rules and regulations of writing, especially regarding the usage of first, third and second person (the ugly cousin). Again ... acquaint yourself with what has been done before and then take on a challenge for yourself to wittingly employ perhaps the second person and MAKE IT WORK in that particular text. History has many examples of rebellious artists and authors and musicians that have done just that. Look at ... for example ... piano concertos for the left hand alone, remember that the "Quartet for the end of time" was originally written for a cellist that only had three strings on his instrument etc.
I can go on and on ... but there is a vast playground out there for all writers. And not only writers, but for musicians and for visual and stage artists as well. History, and old rules and regulations are not there in order to hem us in today, but rather to give us a background regarding what has been done and the way of thinking and rebellion against the way of thinking that was in fashion at that particular time. Our job is to decide how to use (or not to use) this rich palette of styles, formats, genres ... and hopefully to be so bold as to create new genres, new combinations of poetry and prose, extreme science fiction and romance novellas, etc.
HAVE FUN! And if an "accident" or your "intuition" overrides your original plan, then see how you can use that to make an exciting new turn of events or expression.
Adam in his late twenties, together with his sister in Paris.
Adam at three years of age.
Portrait of Adam at 24 years of age
(photo by Don Herron, Tub series).
2009 ARCHIVES:
ENTRY NUMBER ONE: dear k.
tonight i skated away with joni mitchell ... on a very long river.
a river that reached over thirty-five years back in time,
bridging memories and dreams, joys and tears,
both sensory exploitation and sensory deprivation,
and bottomless and boundless emotions.
in my mind's eye i see
visions of myself and friends running
naked in the brisk vermont morning air,
with ribbons of steam
billowing
from our then lean bodies
as we trampled through
the snow ...
laughing, while forsaking the homemade sauna.
funny, just then wanton moments and memories in the making
were so abundant that it never once occured to us that
they might be something to collect and preserve.
i can still smell the burning peppermint leaves
cleansing our acne and making us pure
and naturally high and ... yeah
... it all felt as right as rain.
and then laura nyro joined us and
rocked us out of our cradles of
blueness ...
and we boogied our way upstairs
from the natural food co-op on
the first floor
after having fed our munchies,
and we snaked through the labyrinth
of rooms with open invitations to
free marijuana, lsd and psilocibin.
more often than not
those afternoons ended with orgies, wild dancing
and simple solutions to all the world's problems.
(sigh)
it sure feels good to skate again ...
even if only for a few sobering moments.
just long enough for me to forget
how you just went all "psychobitch" on me
over absolutely nothing at all ...
ENTRY NUMBER TWO: people are funny ...
as various cusines, entertainers, artists, styles of art and music,
authors, status symbols etc. become popular with the "in crowd",
"everyone in the know" seems to copy them ad nauseum. i have seen it time and time
again in regards to visual art: from andy warhol-copyists to
video art to motion photography to documentation art. all else seems to be forgotten
in the short periods where these styles are all the rage. all too often the performance
value of using a certain artistic style seems to take precedence over the creative
message and instinct, rendering art that is empty and devoid of "soulness". and the older forms of art such as painting,
portrait photography, poetry, essays are now often considered to be dinosaurs, and no longer
of interest or merit. that is, unless a very famous person has made the art and
art collectors and fame-chasers make a business and competition out of owning
and making a profit off their investment. i call this the "piggy back" effect - boosting your own fame by riding the ass of someone else's originality and personal courage to get out there and strut their stuff. you see, it is not only a question of
investing money but also of investing one's identity. not many of us dare to be
original artists or creative individuals in our everyday lives either for that matter. we emulate the "kewl folks" and the "rich and the famous", only
to gossip about them and rag on them privately and publicly - as though they were
personal friends and acquaintances. it is perhaps difficult for many of us to
accept that some persons have greater aptitudes and talent for certain endeavors
than we do. and by tearing "falling stars" to the ground, we raise ourselves a little
higher in our own personal self-esteem. the "fifteen minutes of fame" is soon to be narrowed down to "five minutes" for most of us. in order to maintain public interest we must not only be avantgarde and interesting in our craft but also in our personalities. and we must follow the social trends, and the advice and predictions of the fashionistas, the self-proclaimed cultural stylists etc.
now with the new "openness and acceptance"
of gay society and gay rights mass consumerism is already moving in to even out the
definitions of acceptable behavior and thought and politics for gays that are
"integrated and accepted" into society-at-large. it is no longer quite as acceptable to be "feminine gay" or to be "outrageous" or dramatic in dress-style or speech or behavior; and almost no one admits to having sex anymore (except for heterosexual and newly-bisexual reality show personalities). in some western countries local
and national celebrities are standing in queue to tell their personal stories about
living in the closet - coming out to the world in a big dramatic splash, boosting
their careers, gaining a new and younger and more accepting audience. I have been "out" for forty years now. Perhaps being "gay" and "bi" will soon be as "normal" for the rest of the world as it has been for me ...
people are funny ...
today it is - in fact - entirely possible to
become a celebrity without actually having a craft. reality programs have created
a whole new category of "media whores", and taken old-fashioned soap operas to a whole
new level. i expect that reality shows will soon claim their place in high school
and college curricula in the western world - appealing to today's youth more than
novels, poetry, essays and even books of philosophical thought. is society becoming
more dulled and "stoopid" or are we so inundated with overwhelming world problems
that our brains crave junk food in order to maintain the will to go on? have mass culture, technology and mass media managed to exert so great control over humanoids that we believe everything we read and hear in the news, and yet seek out ways to avoid that so-called reality in the making by falling into and bathing in mental sloth? Has humanity always been so overly concerned with gossip and voyeurism ... is this a kubrick film?
perhaps it is just me.
ENTRY NUMBER THREE: the next step in aids prevention and services ...
Terrific progress has been made in terms of hiv/aids education in developing countries, availability of aids medications and de-stigmatization of hiv/aids ... however, there is still much work to be done. As an aids activist, I always try to stay a few steps in advance of governments and governmental institutions in terms of promoting issues that need to be addressed. One important issue is hiv/aids and mental health. There are many studies regarding aids and mental health currently being produced, and many more are needed as pwas are living longer with the virus and on aids medications.
My own concerns regarding this topic center around the
following:
1) receiving the message that one has become infected
with the aids virus is often a huge shock that can lead to
mental unbalance, and stigmatization of hiv/aids (and
of homosexuality) makes this experience even more
uncomfortable for the pwha
2) persons with previous mental health challenges or who are
"different" can experience the message that they have
become infected as a sort of trigger mechanism --
setting off negative and unhealthy forms for thinking
and behavior
3) the aids virus hides itself in internal organs and
in parts of the brain, in spite of aids medications.
aids dementia is a concern for most pwas
4) one needs to have a solid understanding of aids medications,
how they interact with other medications and of their side effects
when prescribing anti-depressive medications to pwhas.
this because some aids medications can worsen
mental health problems when taken together with anti-depressive
medications
5) adherence/compliance (taking aids medications properly and
regularly) and practicing safe sex can be more difficult when
struggling with mental health challenges
6) as far as i know, there are few or no countries that regularly
measure statistics regarding pwhas that commit suicide
7) as far as i can see, there are few or no countries that have
good overall competency regarding hiv/aids and mental health challenges
in their psychiatric and mental health treatment institutions
My newest collection of paintings, photographic art and installations address this very issue. See the AIDS ART section of this website.
I have mentioned hiv/aids and de-stigmatization above, and I would also like to comment on attempts by some to oversimply the challenges of living with hiv/aids today as a way of de-stigmatizing the disease. It is still - despite medications - quite a challenging experience for many persons living with the disease - both somatically, mentally and in terms of side effects and unknown factors such as longterm effects of using aids medications and the stress of fighting the virus for many years. YES, let us de-stigmatize the disease - but without underestimating the seriousness of having it or the difficulties many still have with living with hiv/aids.
ENTRY NUMBER FOUR: who should survive the new holocaust and form the basis for the new world population?
The gay gene theory debate has been going on for quite
a while now, and is kept alive by political efforts to
promote acceptance of homosexuality as a social norm.
Regardless of various studies for and against the
existence of a gay gene, the question of survival of
the species has today perhaps quite different perspective
than it did previously. With a world population burgeoning
seven billion, it is evident that we have a population
control problem on the Earth (or Terra). Natural disasters,
wars, famines, genocide and the like take their toll on
all too many persons - as do epidemics and diseases - but
efforts to make the planet a better and safer place and
priorities in terms of disease control do have regional,
ethnic and political bases. Yes, there are many humanoids
"playing God" ... making decisions that create opportunities
for some and limitations for others. My readers know that I
am fascinated by the 2012/Armageddon/conspiracy mythology
that is seemingly becoming a self-realized prophecy at the
present time. In short, large populations are becoming affected
by catastrophes, natural disasters, epidemics etc. and the
warnings in regards to the effects of global warming, future
famines, economic imbalances that can lead to major wars,
asteroid storms and provocation of our neighbors in outer
space by the development of nuclear bases on the Moon -
combined with growing political instability and the resurgence
of civilian milita groups poised as ready to take control of
governments - is not reassuring.
Who should be designated to survive? Do we follow the model of
"survival of the fittest" in terms of genes, physiology,
intellectual test scores, health, ethnicity etc. ... or do
we look beyond (for example) perceived imperfections such as
sexual orientation, hiv status, physical or mental disabilities
to plan for a future society that encompasses "genius" and
"diversity" that may not necessarily be "handed down" genetically
but otherwise intentionally adapted and infused into future social thinking and social intelligence?
Racial profiling is nothing new on this planet. The simple fact is that
some groups and persons ARE constantly making decisions regarding
priorities and economics and politics that influence who survives and
who does not. I predict that this will become more and more evident
in the months and years to come.
Will the "gay gene" be seen as important genetic stuff that needs
to be preserved? Will pwas and other marginalized social groups be
determined to be assets or potential strengths in the world population
group of the future?
What are the chances of a humanoid like myself being seen as a "resource" for the new world population by the so-called New World Order: i.e. one who is black, gay/bi, hiv-positive, disabled ... but a creative and active force in the world community?
Watch for an exciting spin on these questions in my upcoming book "The Tunnel at the End of Time."
ENTRY NUMBER FIVE: platitudes that piss me off ... or "can you say 'stoopid'?"
There are many things that piss me off about humanoids and life
on this planet, but platitudes designed to avoid commitment and
engagement are especially annoying. For example: "Everything always
works out for the best in the end." What the fuck does that mean?
Every action, thought and speech undertaken and not undertaken has
its consequences and sets off a series of chain reactions in concert
with our environments and mental/emotional make-up. All of you fatalists
and determinists that believe that there is a detailed plan that is
controlling and adjusting everything that happens are fool of shit.
Wake the fuck up and start taking some responsibility for who you are,
what you hope to become and how you do so. It is okay to make mistakes
and learn from them. But let us learn, goddamnit!
I similarly get annoyed by those who blame "God" or "society" for their
woes. Who is "God" and who is "society" other than YOU AND I?
And then there are those who insist that there is a karmic system that
follows us from incarnation to incarnation devised on laws of punishment
and reward. We create our "karmic" opportunities and challenges constantly
with each action, thought, speech undertaken and not undertaken. Not
everything is in our individual control ... actually very little is since
we are all part of greater collective soul and social organisms, in addition
to individual expressions. The choices and opportunities and challenges we
choose upon re-incarnation are not based upon punishment and reward but
rather based upon lessons we need to learn in terms of individual soul
development and participation in collective soul and social development.
Sometimes those "roles" are not perceived to be so "nice" or "kind", but
if everything was peachy and fine then there would be no need to re-incarnate
and further develop humanity or the soul.
Embrace your humanity ... embrace your divinity. But stop deluding yourselves
with theories of separation of consciousness and banal platitudes.
Am I pissing you off? Good! Bite me ... and then let my words swill around in
your consciousness for awhile. They may eventually make some sense ... or maybe
not.
ENTRY NUMBER SIX: what is this obsession called "love"?
I am currently reading Denis Diderot's "Jacques le fataliste" ("Jacques
the fatalist") in both English and in French. This gem of a book from
the late eighteenth century poses many questions that are still actual
today. One that I find especially interesting is the question of why
humanoids are always obsessed with "love stories". In a very rich passage the author states that humans are obsessed with "love stories", and seek out and express this obsession in everything we engage ourselves in, and in all art and literary forms.
This gives me pause ... as an author and as a visual artist, and also as
an earlier classical musician and as a lover of music in general. I confess
my guilt. I both aspire to explore the romanticism of the "love dream" AND
to exploit that need in my audiences. Why? Simply said: God is love; God is
all there is; and ergo: love is everything (for better or worse). Simplistic
platitudes from moi? To be sure. But they give hope for continuous engagement,
trial and error, striving and lessons of personal responsibility.
Not all "illusions" are negative all the time. Perhaps it is beneficial at
times to be "in love with love" or to have "faith". Is not one of the primary
functions of art, literature and music inspiration? And after that sensory
and intellectual stimulation?
The greater challenge is - perhaps - to adequately define "love" as a concept
and a form of behavior. How many times have we said or heard: "This hurts me
more than you; and I am doing it for your own good - because I love you!"?
When I have been told this my reaction has usually been: "Right, kiss my
ass motherfucka!" And when I have said it to others I have felt spiritually
superior and saintly. You see, love is not always equated with being amorous,
or even with being "nice" or "kind". Love is not always individual, or
necessarily confined to an individual's particular wants or needs at any
given moment in time -- but sometimes to the overall, lifelong or even
total soul development of another (despite the limitations of their
momentary vision or desires).
Many nasty and selfish acts have been done in the name of love ... and in
the name of God. Many stupid acts of selflessness have also been done in
the names of love and God. By stupid I mean acts motivated and rationalized
by the elevation of love of others above love of ourselves. My point being
that if we do not love ourselves then we cannot (by definition of unity of
consciousness) love anyone or anything else. So the real question is perhaps:
do humanoids really "love" or is it - like some regard religion - merely an
"opiate"?
ENTRY NUMBER SEVEN: temporary insanity, or what?
The need to be in the middle of extreme excitement and in the media
seems to encourage some journalists, sportsmen and private citizens to
take risks that others might consider irresponsible.
Climbing high peaks without proper documents or local guides,
jumping off of tall buildings or cliffs (illegally, I might add),
hiking in the wilderness without proper training and equipment,
hiking through war-torn areas, journalists taking unnecessary
risks to get a story even if it means violating the soverign borders
of nations that are hostile to the country of one's own nationality,
giving an imprisoned Nobel Prize winner an extra home arrest sentence
by committing an illegal, selfish and stupid act, purchasing wine in
Iran on the black market, tourists wandering into Iran illegally
... the list goes on.
What is the deal? Do these individuals not think about the lunacy and
selfishness of making others responsible for their actions (not only in
terms of international conflict, but also public resources that must be
used to bail out and rescue these persons)? The drive for extreme
excitement and notoriety is understandable. Many enjoy sky-diving, parachuting,
mountain-climbing, shooting rapids and otherwise push themselves beyond their perceived
personal limits ... and most are well-trained, well-equipped and get their rocks off
in legal ways. But those who
do not are not just risking their own safety and resources, but also
those of rescue-workers, taxpayer reserves, and diplomatic conflict resolution personnel.
Those who dare to tread where even angels fear to go might do well to
think more of the consequences for themselves and others. Is it so strange
that nations that are at odds politically with other nations react when
their soverignty is breached by foreigners from those same countries
that they are in conflict with? Is it strange that they repeatedly call
these breaches espionage attempts? Is it possible that these are all
just stupid lapses of judgment?
I am just asking ...
ENTRY NUMBER EIGHT: reflections upon my aids activism
I had a rather dramatic "coming out" as a pwa: first paying for my
openness by an attempt to fire me from my job and at the same time
the refusal of a surgeon to continue operating on me after I had
already received anaesthesia and was prepped for the surgery; and
then coming out on national television. One would think that it would
be easy after that ... but no, there were one-man political demonstrations
to save my job and increase awareness about hiv/aids at the workplace,
there were numerous interviews in the news (television, radio, newspapers
and magazines), there were representations in Norway and abroad, there
were embarassing situations eg. when my employer gave me my own personal
toilet to use at the job and when a customer at the employment office
where I worked made a huge scene when he understood that I was the aids
activist that had appeared on the news the night before (according to him
pwas are not qualified to work for the government), there have been debates
and conflicts with the state and city governments, there have been conflicts
and legal battles with the medical and social service systems, there have
been periods where I worked with and led hiv/aids organizations and periods
where I actively opposed them, there have been periods where I worked with
and represented governmental organizations and periods where I opposed them ...
I have been an aids activist for almost 16 years now; Norway's first man of
color to come foreward as hiv-positive. What have been my greatest moments?
That is a difficult question to answer, but I felt much pride when I
represented my country at the first UNGASS and during which I - an openly
hiv-positive Norwegian of immigrant background - sat in the official UN seat
of the Norwegian government. I was touched when over 300 persons showed up
at my first World Aids Day art exhibition in 1995, and it was covered by
six television stations. I have been proud to stand forward - against much
resistance and controversy - and declare that pwas have a right to a sex
life, that disclosure of hiv status is a responsibility to be shared by all,
that pwas should take responsibility even when others insist that they do not,
etc. I have delivered powerful speeches that even aids activists around the
world have not wanted to hear, but have applauded me for shortly afterwards.
I have worked hard to "normalize" hiv/aids and I am working very hard now
to make certain that normalization today does not lead to apathy and reduction
of services to pwas.
I am not an hiv-activist. I am an aids-activist. I work for pwas - not the
general public. Pwas cannot be responsible for the welfare and health of the
rest of the world (we are talking about billions of people), and we are the
only ones that know what it is like to live with the aids virus over a long
period of time. I have always said that "the best hiv prevention is openness
and good quality of life and health services for pwas." I mean that today as well.
I have not sat in prison for being hiv-positive. I have not been physically abused for it.
However, the mental and social harassment and the experience of being a second-class
patient and a "leper" are experiences that I know quite well. And they have not only
come from authorities, health and social service personell etc. but also from co-workers,
friends, landlords, employers, people on the street and once by Norwegian youth that
harassed me while I have been on vacation in Greece.
The greatest slaps in the face have been from persons that I perceived as "liberal" and
understanding: gays, immigrants, persons of color ... i.e. those who would use the pecking
order of the weak to kick pwas down to the bottom of the ladder. There is still discrimination
in the gay community against pwas.
Perhaps my greatest day was debating against one of Norway's foremost debaters and politicians,
the conservative Carl I. Hagen - three times in one day, on radio and television. It was an
honor to be taken seriously enough by him and by the national television network to debate what
we both considered to be an unnecessary issue: mandatory hiv-testing of immigrants/asylum-seekers
that come to Norway. But that is the work of a politician and of an activist - to go in toe-to-toe
public conflict and be quite cordial with each other afterwards.
I only wish others - especially hiv/aids organizations - were just as professional.
ENTRY NUMBER NINE: a memory of Gregory Corso
I have met some real eccentric poets in my work as a poet and
as a poetry book reviewer. One of my best remembered poet
personalities was Gregory Corso, whom I met in the early '70s
while I was a college student in Vermont. My roommate and I gladly
gave up our dorm room to Mr. Corso for a few days, while he
was a visiting poet. His "big finish" was to be a poetry reading
at the college library. The problem with Mr. Corso was that his
"bad boy" attitude and peculiarity was entertaining to a certain point, and
after that it was menacing. Well, Mr. Corso was "high" on everything
other than life and wore all of us out, and he - of course - also had
worn out his welcome by the time the day of his reading had come along. I, was
excited to hear him read but I was also exhausted from too little sleep,
as Mr. Corso had been quite the party-boy. Okay, I will admit it:
I was also a bit pissed off at him for acting like such a jerk. On the
day of the reading, I sat in the first row, on the floor right
beneath Mr. Corso's feet and took in his poetry - at last.
I awoke about 45 minutes later to clapping and a very angry
Gregory Corso who was glaring at me. Apparently I had not
only slept through his reading, but I had almost drowned him
out at moments with my snoring. Some might assume that it was
an act of revenge. I dunno ... mebbe. I did not feel very, very
bad about it ... anyway.
ENTRY NUMBER TEN: "star-fucking" is nothing new.
When I was young, my favorite stars included Natalie Wood,
Clark Gable, Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, James Dean etc. Not
so very unlike others that had grown up in the '50s and '60s.
The very thought of "star-fucking" with these persons was
unrealistic ... especially since they were all either dead or
quite old by the time I was 20 years of age. However, fate often
plays a crazy and unexpected hand in the game of life poker.
One night, at the age of 20 years, I found myself in a gay bar
in Dayton, Ohio. An older man took an interest in me and I in
him ... he looked just like "Clark Gable" would have had he
still been alive. He invited me home and told me that he had
not only known Clark Gable, but had actually worked as his
"double" in Hollywood many years ago. I laughed, thinking "Right!
You look like him but I am not so naive ... After all, this is
Dayton, Ohio!" Well, he brought out tons of memorabilia: photos,
letters and more, proving that he had - in fact - been a "Clark Gable".
We had sex with each other but I do not remember it. The fact that I
spent an evening with "Clark Gable" was enough in itself to blow my
mind and give me a mental trophy for life.
I have often - in later years - thought much about persons who make their
living by imitating stars or by working as their "doubles". I am glad
that there is only one of me (as is the rest of the world I would presume
(chuckles)) but being a famous person's double must be very like being
a twin - the same but really not at all alike.
ENTRY NUMBER ELEVEN: "stalking stalkers".
I hate being stalked. I have been stalked fairly often; mostly
by women who want to possess and control me. Neither is
possible but a stalker will not take "no" for an answer.
I have done some reading on stalkers and have found out
that they: 1) refuse to believe that the victim is not
and never will be interested in them; 2) they seem to
be obsessed with the person they are stalking; 3) they
are usually brighter than the average psycho walking around;
4) they usually have problems holding onto relationships
and therefore convince themselves that the current victim
is "THE ONE" for them; 5) they do not seem to understand
that stalking is inappropriate behavior, and take pride
in their "work"; 6) they often do not feel good about
themselves and stalk persons who have shown them sympathy
or whom they think would identify with them; 7) they often
see their behavior as an act of love rather than as
offensive or criminal behavior; and 8) they can make your
life miserable trying to stay out of their reach - screening
impromptu visits at the door, phone calls from diverse
numbers, special deliveries at your door or in the post,
their taking contact with your friends, family or loved
ones in an attempt to force their way into your life and
social circles etc.
The best way to deal with stalkers is to smoke them out
before they get too close to you. Once they become obsessed,
they can go on for years - sometimes appearing again and
again after months of non-contact. It is creepy.
People that stalk on skype or the internet are easier to
deal with since they can be blocked from your computer just
as spammers can. But the accomplished stalker that can
suddenly show up wherever you are is disconcerting.
I hate being stalked. And I hate control freaks and stylists
that want to reform and re-make me to their satisfaction.
If you truly love someone, then set them free...
ENTRY NUMBER TWELVE: what will be your legacy?
Most of us hope to be remembered long after we have left this
planet. How do the contemporary "fifteen minutes of fame" translate
into a real legacy? Do those 15 minutes count in the larger scheme
of history, or are they merely a vehicle for personal recognition and
advancement while we are still alive?
Throughout history, the concept of a personal legacy usually has been understood in the context of leaving behind
something others put value on for many decades and centuries to come
(works of art, music, literature), schools of philosophy and major scientific,
industrial or economic discoveries or accomplishments, being the first to
achieve something major in our time etc. OR - for most of us plebians -
having children that promote a continuation of the humanoid species and
some of whom (hopefully) do something outstanding and historic in their lives.
But what specific qualifications are there today for "going down in history" or even
achieving the famous "fifteen minutes of glory"? Well, of course - being particularly
good or bad at something or (in the case of today's pop stars and reality stars)
giving the world insight into your personality.
I often get into trouble by speaking my mind in a candid way. Authors and artists usually
hate it when they approach me for advice about how to become known, or how to find an
"agent" who will make them a household name etc. I always reply: "Start with the art/literature. Where is the art?
Without that there is nothing to talk about or discuss. And then start paying attention to the
"personality" you wish to project publicly as an artist or author. Being a talented artist or
author is not enough today. One also needs to be an interesting personality in order to catch
the public's interest. Everyone is interested in interesting people."
There are lots of examples of artists and authors that have assumed new names and new
public personalities in order to gain and maintain public attention. This goes for politicians
as well. After all, it is all about illusion ... and getting the public to cross over the
threshhold so that your art, literature or politics are experienced/considered. And thereafter
to gain personal control over the "label" that you will certainly be given or "assigned"
as a public figure. Yeah, I know. We all hate being stereotyped and typecast, or having our art or literature categorized into a tight little box. But it will happen anyway. If that really bothers you then why not create a public personality as "eccentric, surprising, incorrigible etc." to give yourself a little more breathing room and to create interest and mystery around your person and your art?
ENTRY NUMBER THIRTEEN: accountability and reliability.
In this fast-paced existence of today, it is easy to become overwhelmed and to overestimate
what one is capable of at any point in time. However, I am amazed at how many people 1) fail
to think through their personal capabilities and resources before committing to something, 2)
fail to inform others at an early stage (i.e. before delivery is due or an appointment is nigh) when they are not able to fulfill their promises or obligations, 3) cannot
simply say "sorry, I fucked up." Today it is not unusual for letters and emails not to be
answered, for telephone calls not to be returned as promised, for agreements not to be upheld, for appointments not to be kept, for people not to bother saying "excuse me" when
they step on others' toes or bump into others, for people not to say "thank you" for a kindness
that has been extended to them etc. We are even afraid of saying "no, I do not have the time or
capability or skills to do what you are asking of me", and instead often leave people hanging
unnecessarily.
I find this especially interesting in an age where most would say that society is characterized
by openness, candor and an overall attitude of "I am okay ... and so are you." Ha ha ... I would
venture that it is not just bad management of time and resources, not just an underlying misunderstanding
of "niceness" and cordiality, not just an over-estimation of what one is capable of doing or the
desire to let the world believe that "what we wish to become we already are" that is culpable ... but
also a basic fear of failure in the eyes of others. And when we set ourselves up to fail and then do
fail, we often cannot take responsibility for that failure. That is where expressions like "That's
life!" and "Shit happens" come in handy ... or when we take a "break" from people we have let down,
or call them "demanding and nagging" and later take contact as if nothing had happened or needs to
be discussed.
What ever happened to the standard: "Say what you mean, and do what you say"?
ENTRY NUMBER FOURTEEN: unos pensamientos de amor.
Tenemos sólamente este momento. Una pausa sola, sin aliento.
Un momento sin comenzar o final. Una eternidad.
Un beso que quema nuestros labios. Una pasión ilimitada.
Un momento que nunca puede ser olvidado.
Mis sueños son siempre mojados cuando me duermo ... pensando en tí.
Una mujer; un hombre ... somos perfectos.
Pero no siempre perfecto juntos.
Vivo para aquellos momentos
de perfección.
Vivo para morir de amor por tí.
Tenemos sólamente este momento.
Una pausa sola, sin aliento.
Un momento sin comenzar o final. Una eternidad.
Mi cuerpo tiembla ...
cuando tus pestañas cepillan contra mis mejillas.
Una pasión ilimitada. Un momento que nunca puede ser olvidado.
Abráceme, y nunca déjeme ir. Esto es nuestro momento.
Una mujer ... un hombre; somos perfectos.
Perfectamente ahora ... somos perfectos.
ENTRY NUMBER FIFTEEN: insomnia: heaven and hell.
I often experience insomnia ... Funny, I feel reluctant
to say that I often "suffer from" insomnia. Yes, it
can be frustrating not to be able to sleep, and it
makes depression and anxiety even harder to deal with.
I wonder what it is, actually, that is so frustrating
about lying awake. Being aware of each passing moment,
the present one always seeming longer than the previous ones.
But the mind is always over-active at those times: both deceptively clear
and deliciously delirious at the same time. Almost like being stoned. I have
learned to channel creative ideas and find new approaches to solving problems,
to get up and write or to paint in the middle of the night,
and even to listen to music that I love but never afford
myself the luxury of relaxing to otherwise. They say that
a watched pot never boils, and thus an impatient sleeper never
sleeps either. There is something disconcerting about watching each moment
slip away from me - never again to be recaptured save in
experiences of déjà vu or incomplete memories or fragments
of dreams. It is perhaps much better to embrace those moments and
make them alive in some way rather than to begrudge their slow passing.
It is perhaps not the slow moments that are passing that are the problem
but rather always having something else to get to do. I recognize the
frustration from waiting for a bus or train that is behind schedule, or
waiting for an internet page to load in, or waiting for the washing machine
cycle to end ... If I had more time, I would surely just fill it up as
soon as possible and still lament the slow passage of time.
In my rational moments I want to convince myself that it is actually a privilege
to lose oneself in these corridors of free
passage - in a life where almost everything is planned out, scheduled
or regulated, but these segues can often seem as dark as the torturous voids of illness
or impending death when we have something else (other than being awake) in mind.
Playing the "waiting game" ... usually means
becoming a victim to or a sufferer of the fickleness of time.
I am reminded of a couple of poems I wrote many years ago, entitled
"THE SCALDING" and "DAEDALUS: LAMENT FOR A DYING KING":
THE SCALDING.
The slow dripping of water
Upon blistered skin and flesh
Stages the final element of torture
For the deposed king as each
Drop threatens to erode more
Permanently all hope for
Recovery and revenge.
Melodic shrieks of agony
Maintain symphonic balance
Against the rhythmic trickling,
Indicative of the ironic horror
Endemic to nature’s inevitable
Triumph over civilization
And artificiality.
Perhaps the greatest severity
Is the cruelty of mortality;
For chronology minimizes
Individual humanity with
Each passing moment.
DAEDALUS: LAMENT FOR A DYING KING.
It shatters me to see you
Lying there so helplessly;
Playing the ‘waiting game’
Without judgment or choice.
Fearing life now more than death,
You transcend the impatience of desire
Through constancy of pain and
Resignation to the inevitable.
In a singular gesture of compassion,
Your pale lips force a smile
Which silences the teardrop
Skidding down my face; and
Momentarily I turn away inside myself,
Embarassed by my own self-indulgence.
Still smiling,
You take me by the hand and
Squeeze a bit of your precious life
Into mine, as if to say:
“I know ... I know ...
(we all live on borrowed time).”
The time right now? 0306 hours ... and I am
not sleepy at all...
ENTRY NUMBER SIXTEEN: the glory of silence.
I love music, writing, talking, thinking and other noise,
but silence is a basic staple in life - like water;
never to be underestimated or taken for granted.
Therefore, enuff words today.
Instead, I offer my
readers and myself the glory of silence:
.........................................
..........................
.....................................
...........................
............
enjoy!
ENTRY NUMBER SEVENTEEN: things are getting hairy now.
The race to control the population through dissemination of information
and disinformation is getting bizarre. Frankly, I am starting to have trouble
figuring out who is New World Order - and who is not. I thought that I had
a pretty good handle on it, and then the Zeitgeist Movement came along.
My instincts say they are a NWO-tool, that is rationalizing the necessary
downsizing of world population which is underway and which will soon
increase manyfold. The "big brother" centralized information scenarios
are basically already here; and the so-called Venus project city plans
are nothing new. The circular city is almost identical to the Atlantis
community design. And we know how that project ended up ...
No folks ... don't trust anyone identifying with you against the evil
system. They are probably working for that system themselves. Hell,
I am not even sure I trust myself half the time any more. Many years
ago I wrote the following poem:
THE DEVIL
Beware.
The dark one
Lurks not in
The shadows,
And not amongst
Your friends
Or enemies.
Beware, for
His evil lies
Within you,
And eagerly
Awaits release
By descendents
Of Pandora.
Beware of
The road to
Inertia and ruin,
So carelessly
Littered with
Temptation and
Obsession.
Beware.
The self-centered
And worshippers
Of false splendor
Can expect
Little more than
Disappointment.
Yes. Beware
Of darkness ...
And beware
Of mirrors ...
But most of all
Beware
Of the devil
That you are.
Listen to your heart and your Higher Self ...
and take no prisoners.
ENTRY NUMBER EIGHTEEN: things I will miss when I leave Terra.
My fourth grade teacher used to tell our class: "There are three things that
everything in life boils down to - money, sex and power; and there are three
things that you can never escape in life - death, taxes and yourself!"
Hmmm ... a bit superficial and abridged, but nonetheless pretty much on target.
Especially the part about not being able to escape oneself or death. I am glad
that I will not live on this planet forever. I see it as a learning center and
playground away from "home". However, there are some things that I think I might
miss every now and then when I have left Terra: the sound of the wind rustling
through trees, the smell of bread baking and of cinnamon, the warmth of the sun
on the first day of real summer weather, the knowledge that my beloved dog is
watching over my dreams as I sleep beside him in the bed ...
Heh ... none of the forementioned have anything to do with money, sex or power.
Yeah ... I have many, many other joys in life that are much bigger and more
meaningful, but those I will always have with me in all places and in all
forms of my Being.
Adonai!
ENTRY NUMBER NINETEEN: not all gays with hiv/aids are/were "sex addicts".
For the record, not all gays with hiv/aids are or were sex addicts. In fact, I would venture that most heterosexual and bi teenagers and young adults today have far more sex than their gay counterparts.
That being said, not enough attention has been given to the state of mind many pwas were in when they became infected. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, depression, emotional problems, relationship problems, feeling physically or mentally or emotionally tired or frustrated, a previous history of hepatitis C etc. can all contribute to a person more easily becoming infected. This was the case with me some 16 years ago. I had just recently experienced several family tragedies, was very unhappy in my relationship with my live-in partner and I was depressed. One night out in the city, one unplanned "trick", a stupid and naive act of trust and lapse of judgment in regards to using a condom ... and voilà: I joined the ranks of those infected with the hiv virus.
Don't drink and drive ... and by the way, be careful of your state of mind and body when you are having sex also!
ENTRY NUMBER TWENTY: journalist for a newspaper -- a job I would not have.
When I was young(er) I always thought that it must be exciting to be a journalist ... uncovering exciting stories and watching them "break" onto the newspapers, magazines and tv screens -- almost like giving birth to a child or a work of art. Well, today I hear nothing but complaining from organizations and activists that their important issues get no space in the news, complaining from journalists that their bosses will not allow them to report on such and such because they have limited space, cutbacks and must sell as many papers as possible even if it means regurgitating the same standard news seen everywhere else or printing stupid celebrity gossip and other garbage, and the newspaper owners complain that it is not possible to sell newspapers anymore because of tv and the internet, and of course newspaper readers complain that there is nothing worthwhile to read anymore.
Who are these editors that are deciding who gets to read and learn about what? And what is their intuition and knowledge about consumer needs based upon really? Is the goal only to sell as much crap as possible, or is there a responsibility to shed light on important issues regardless? Why is it that important issues such as hiv/aids are generally only reported on 1) when there is a scandal where someone has infected several others and faces criminal charges, or 2) when the yearly statistics for new incidences of hiv infection come out and are "bad news", or 3) on World Aids Day? Is World Aids Day the main day that aids is to be written about? What about persons living with the goddamned disease 365 days a year? What about important issues related to the disease or persons living with it?
Aids is just one example. Human rights issues, foreign aid, medical problems and breakthroughs, scientific discoveries, cultural issues, the transcultural etc. -- there does not seem to be "room" for many of these topics in the "news" anymore.
There must be many "bright-eyed and bushy-tailed" young and even more seasoned journalists that are frustrated at getting cut off at the pass by newspaper owners and managing editors, and being relegated to write about bullshit or to work a story to death over several weeks.
No, I would not like to be a journalist today ...
ENTRY NUMBER TWENTY-ONE: what drives me?
I am often asked: "What drives you ... how and why do you produce so much all the time?"
The answer is simple: to feel alive. As long as I am creating then I know that I am alive, and I also feel justified in still hanging out on this planet.
Twisted? Perhaps, but it works for me.
Years ago, in 1987, when my first book of poetry was published a gallery owner in New York City invited me to have a poetry reading at his posh gallery. It was full of people and I felt like a million bucks with such a warm and appreciative expression. A few months later I called the gallerist to say "hello", only to be told: "I'm sorry ... I thought you knew. He died shortly after your reading ... of aids."
Well that threw me for a loop -- not just because he died of aids but because he had hung onto my every word in my spiritual book of poetry ... re-reading the short book over and over again.
I learned two valuable lessons:
1) live and create as if every moment were the first and the last ... it may be; and
2) remember that if you create from the heart and the soul that there are people out there somewhere listening and watching and reading ... and hoping to find a glimt of the promise of Light that you hint at.
ENTRY NUMBER TWENTY-TWO: walking the talk: escaping the indoctrinating chatter of the tv.
Well, I finally tossed out the television set, and all the accompanying video and dvd appliances. It is an amazing experience, this new-found freedom. Firstly, the living room is suddenly quite spacious, secondly, the constant whirring and clicking sounds that came from the tv set (even when off) are gone and there seems to be less electrical disturbance in the psychosphere and atmosphere, and thirdly, I escape the continuous indoctrination of same news/same reality show/same sitcoms/same commercials that were numbing and pacifying. So what do I do with my time? Pretty much the same things as before except that I now watch dvds on my computer, download the news from the internet from a wider variety of sources and enjoy my iPod much more as a source of entertainment and relaxation. Amazing how much time can go to lying on a sofa and staring at a tv screen ...
Granted - computer addiction is no better; and the internet offers as much craziness as television does. But there is something kewl about having to go searching for variety and choices rather than switching on the tv and finding the same from channel to channel.
Obviously, with all the writing and art and activism I do, I did not spend very much time in front of the television. But nonetheless it was yet another habit that I have "kicked" recently. (I wonder what the surgeon general would say to that?)
Thinking back to my college years at Goddard, television was the furthest thing from my mind. Of course, apart from my studies I was quite busy with nudism, sex and orgies, drugs, alternative lifestyles and political demonstrations ... and just being a "hippie". I would not say that my life is now boring by comparison (perhaps quite the opposite if I look at the variety and impact of my activities today) but sometimes I do miss the "sense of abandon" and being "carefree" that accompanied youth, the hippie years and life at Goddard. One thing that did not seem to exist then is today's "arrogant apathy"; which is a curse that is as pacifying and nullifying as continuous and repetitive television broadcasts.
ENTRY NUMBER TWENTY-THREE: A beautiful thing.
"The mind is a beautiful thing -- until one begins to lose it."
I have always counted upon my feet to carry my body and
depended on my mind to function almost automatically.
I now no longer take either for granted ...
both need to be looked after these days.
Aging with "grace and dignity" is one thing, but
some handicaps are downright embarrassing and painful.
None the less, there is "beauty" to be expressed through
each and every life challenge.
Many of the greatest works of art and literature
were created by persons in physical and/or
mental agony/anguish.
Not a romanticized point of view concerning the
required state for being an artist or an author;
but rather a simple observation about the role of
demented genius and pain in creativity.
Adonai...
ENTRY NUMBER TWENTY-FOUR: learning to love is a lifetime process.
I was sitting and digging on Michael Bublé's latest album ... it is fantastic,
in my opinion. And then I started thinking about what it is about love, being
in love with another person, and even being in "love with love" that is so
exciting and energizing.
It often has been said that "God is Love" ... and I firmly believe that each
and every one of us is a Creator through our every thought,
word and action ... thus making us individually and collectively expressions
of "GOD".
I know no one that has been together with their first lover throughout his/her
entire life ... albeit I hear that there are many for which this is the case.
I say "wow! so lucky you are to have found someone you can repeatedly work with
and re-new your love experience with, and grow with individually and together."
That is what it is really all about, isn't it?!! Love must ebb and flow, be born
and die, be stationary and become transformed as our needs dictate in regards to
soul progression and development.
And I wonder: "Where did the whole one mate - monogamy thing come from in the
first place? Many cultures throughout ancient and recent history, as well as
present times, advocate "spreading the love around". Being an "original hippie",
I embraced "free love" as something much greater than the mere sex act; it was
for me an expression of magnaminity -- of embracing the God/Love in all things
and spreading it around freely.
Almost forty years later - after having lived with the aids virus for sixteen
years, and having had numerous relationships and marriages/partnerships - I
feel all the "richer" for having fallen in and out of love so well. It is an
art form all to itself: to get knocked off your feet, pick yourself up and
re-define yourself as an individual and then open yourself to a possible new
"two-someness". It is said that the humanoid body is an amazing instrument. I
would add that the humanoid psyche and the human craving for LOVE are equally
as wondrous and mysterious. It is truly a cause for celebration.
I guess, for me, that "love" means much more than the day-to-day tradeoffs and
the illusions of "security" that relationships provide. For me, love is the
immune system of the emotions and the psyche -- and the backbone of humanity.
May I continue to pick myself up and to love ... again, again and again.
ENTRY NUMBER TWENTY-FIVE: "somebody should ..."
How often have I said and heard that preface? Who is this
"someone"? ... of course, it is an expression of desire for
someone to do something or other (and perhaps a reminder to
ourselves that we should possibly take on a responsibility).
In all fairness to myself and to others, the expression does
work: by putting this thought into the "ethers", either we
ourselves do or someone else eventually does take up the issue
in question.
That being said, I find that my "list of things that 'someone
should do something about' seems to grow and grow lately. There
are many issues and problems and challenges that need to be
addressed in our complicated world society today. I think that part of
that which I react to is the ever-increasing need to be quick and
effective -- to solve each problem/challenge as soon as possible.
In my mind I know that this is both impossible in all cases, and
also undesirable - as processes of change are as important as the
changes achieved in most cases. However, the self-created pressures of dealing with the uncomfortable quickly and of solving as much as possible BEFORE 2012 are self-evident.
HOWEVER ... I do wonder why I and many other writers/film artists have not
prioritized writing about and problematizing issues in constructive
ways that can lead to real discussion and change instead of merely
leaving the reader/cinema audience with a feeling of "what can we
do? It is all fucked up down to the root."?
To take but one example: I write much about spirituality beyond the
confines of organized religions and their practices and norms. While
I am not a "member" or regular at any church, synagogue or temple, I
do occasionally "participate" in others' experiences of togetherness
with God and the community of God. No problem! My "house" is in order
in that regard, and my own personal relationship with God and godliness
is quite intact, so I do not feel threatened by the dogma and beliefs
of others. And I also feel "free" to criticize religious institutions.
I also understand the value of pointing out and sometimes "harping on" the
misdeeds of Christianity, Judaism, Islam etc. but I wonder if we authors/
filmmakers really help to solve any problems by merely stating that
religion and religious institutions suck? For many humanoids these
institutions are as "holy" as their governments and top leaders, and are also a source of "hope" in an otherwise hopeless existence. Why would we want to take that last "hope" and "raison d'être" from our fellow God-community members, knowing that the consequences of desperation will affect all of us negatively? Where are the books of fictional literature and the stories that tell about
sexual misconduct, discrimination against gay and female priests, the
ravages caused by ecclesiastical politics in regards to abortion and
hiv/aids and homosexuality/bisexuality etc.? I ask myself as an author ...
and I accuse myself as a world citizen that is amongst those "somebodies
that should do something about ... this or the other". Where are the
artistic works that say more than that religion is fucked up, the Vatican
is an evil secret organization, etc.? What am I/are We contributing of
value ... that can lead to internal and external discussions within these
organizations of faith and ultimately to spiritual and social evolution?
I think people "get it" now ... but how can we help those that actively use their religious organizations to enter into the twenty-first century in
terms of sociopolitics and mores? Where is the ART/LITERATURE that inspires constructive change and healthy spiritual growth and tolerance?
ENTRY NUMBER TWENTY-SIX: a question of perspective, or a state of mind?
˙uʍop ǝpısdn ʎןןɐnʇɔɐ sı pןɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ɟı ɹo ʇɐǝq ǝɥʇ ɟɟo ɯɐ ı ɟı ɹǝp
uoʍ ı sǝɯıʇǝɯos
ENTRY NUMBER TWENTY-SEVEN: stupid is as stupid says.
We all do and say some pretty stupid things but some levels of "stoopid" really worry me. An aids activist friend of mine, who is also an artist, had a work of art refused because it was not "nice enough". The damned theme of the art work was fucking AIDS! What is "NICE" about aids, and WHY does everyone try to make aids so "nice", non-discussed, non-problematic these days? I recently saw a museum catalogue from a major international art exhibition on aids here in Norway from 1993. I was pleasantly surprised to see Keith Haring's "IGNORANCE = FEAR" and "SILENCE = DEATH" FIGHT AIDS, ACT UP on the front and back covers. I remember that the exhibition was full of political rage, and much was not very "nice" or "pretty".
I have just finished packing down 20 works of art for my upcoming exhibition on hiv/aids and mental illness -- not a very pretty or nice theme. Some of the paintings are "vivid" with lots of psychedelic high on pills colors, and others are about suicide, depression and other things most people do not want to know about.
I try to be a "nice" person as often as possible, but I certainly do not want my art or literature to be "nice", "pretty", "comfortable". For that I take walks in nature and perhaps watch porn ...
ENTRY NUMBER TWENTY-EIGHT: turning the bend in the road.
My big one-man show at the Oslo Town Hall Gallery is now over and done with. As usual, I feel both overwhelmed by the experience and suddenly empty -- needing to fill the void with something else asap. Fortunately, I have lots of things on my "to do" list, including finishing a novel, producing an art catalogue about artists in Norway who use their art as aids activism ... and another art exhibition: this time specially-printed photographs from Nepal. The world needs so many things right now -- including hope and inspiration and escape from the monotony of the everyday illusions. That is what my next art exhibition will provide. That and 2 weeks of meditation for raising human consciousness.
I look forward to it.
That being said, friends seem worried that I am wrapping much up in my life: I have now retired from aids activism after 16 years of living with the disease and fighting for the rights of plwhas in Norway and internationally, and I expect that "The tunnel at the end of time" will be my last "big" book publication for awhile. My last semester of French grammar starts in January ... So what will I do with myself? What a silly question? What do other people do when they have finally accomplished most of that which they have dreamed about? Try to figure out how to pay off the bills and debts ...
I consider myself lucky. A critical book about my book publications is being written -- not bad for an author that is not even dead yet! But I do have to admit that it does sound as though I am retiring from many things, and "turning the bend in the road". My perspective about the "road" is different ... more clover-leaf like perhaps ... I feel as if I have driven forever ...
ENTRY NUMBER TWENTY-NINE: be discerning.
Conspiracy theories are no different than religion and propaganda. When followed blindly and to the letter they lead only to maya/illusion, and function as opiates. There is a grain of truth in every one of them, but we need to use intuition and common sense to figure out how to put the pieces of the puzzle together properly. One hint: if we follow the course of greed, power and ego we will understand much of what is really going on in the world. And if we use our "creative" powers of thought, words and actions to make a better reality and world then we will solve many problems.
ENTRY NUMBER THIRTY: stay clear of the smoky mirrors people!
Okay folks. My take on this is: 2012 total disaster is not a "done deal" OR an "act of Fate" or an "act of God". Many of the challenges we face in our Universe today are being re-enforced by our governments and scientists etc. through experimentation with everything from weather/climate to nuclear testing and biochemical testing (chemtrails, epidemics etc.). This all CONVENIENTLY plays into the plans of the NWO, helping us to remain ignorant and servile so that chaos ensues as "fate" would have it ... and they can thus "clean up" with a more manageable population afterwards. WAKE UP! and let us expose the scam and stop living in FEAR! Many of you are asking me why my sci fi novels begin in 2014 and not in 2012: becuz life on Earth will not - in fact - end in 2012! There will be increased challenges, but what else is new?!!
However, we can still expose this heinous NWO plan to play on our fears (and stop playing into it and actually making 2012 happen). The Mayan calendar does not say that the world will come to an end in 2012, but that we will enter into a period of higher consciousness than before. We are already well into that consciousness-raising process.
Many of these crises are man-created, or are artificial (eg. energy crises, population crises etc.). There is more than enough to sustain our poopulation if we only would share and get away from the money-greed-based system we have today. So please, be aware that there are those who want us to live in fear and panic, who want us to stop believing in God, to stop having faith and inspiration and the will to live. There are those who will use science and technology to weaken our bodies and our minds, and to fool us with artificial "phenomena" and world crises and threats in order to get us to buy into the "the world is ending abruptly chaos". Stop helping to create this. Stop getting caught up in these "smoky mirrors" designed to capture your attention and divert it away from what is really going on. Use your thoughts, words and actions to create a better reality - both for now and tomorrow. Do not fear the conspiracy theories, but rather sit down and imagine the absolute worst possible chain of events and know that humanity will still indeed survive. That is the major message of my books and of the film "2012".
ENTRY NUMBER THIRTY-ONE: REGARDING BENJAMIN CREME, MAITREYA AND A NEW ONE WORLD RELIGION:
A new world religion hoax is part of the rest of the plan to pave the way for acceptance for the New World Order. Hell, it worked before (some 2,000 years ago) ... of course we will again believe that a new and better Christ is coming to bless the New World Order! It will be quite a show, with the cooperation of H.A.A.R.P. visual effects and holograms - the greatest show on Earth! My personal relationship with God is possibly the only thing I have in order. I do not need a new world religion or a guru or a new religious governing system to justify/control my existence or ways of thinking and being.
"New world order" and "new world religion" are fighting words ...
(photo at top of page taken by Adam Donaldson Powell.)
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